12.05.2004
new school dawn of the dead, with a sad sigh...
dear dawn of the dead remake,
i really wanted to like you. i admired you for casting sarah polley in the title role. i was even prepared to put aside my indifference toward ving rhames, thinking his on-screen persona was fitting enough to fill the shoes of the great ken foree. and i even loved your first fifteen minutes (like everyone said i would)-- where you got right into it with good pacing and unbridled mayhem and a stylish usage of johnny cash.
but from there on out, you are hot fucking garbage. pure and simple.
here i must confess that the original dawn of the dead is one of my all time, stranded-on-a-desert-island, favorite FAVORITE movies. like, top-five-ever level favorites. but no, i didn't expect the uncanny humor of the original-- in which a shopping mall becomes a claustrophobic anti-paradise for the folks at the end of the world. i wasn't expecting the many nuanced, brilliant surprises in its handling of race, gender and social formation. i wasn't expecting the same visceral celebration/condemnation of lawlessness and anarcho-freedom. that was then, this is now. and even if the new version "went there," it'd probably bludgeon us with a bunch of empty rhetoric. let the classic stay the classic. but what i did want from the remake, frankly, was a decent horror movie. and you fucked it up.
some things i never want to see in a horror movie ever again:
1. blair witch-style camcorder garnishing. the shit ain't novel anymore, and it sure as hell isn't scary.
2. wisecracking character actors, unless they're really funny. if you're not joss whedon, do your fucking homework before you whip out your lame ass robert downey jr. impersonation already. sheesh.
3. "fat people are scary" chic
4. "wb" teen-series actors with handlebar moustaches that are supposed to be "white trash." and while we're at it:
5. "white trash" stereotypes... look, i know unimaginative horror buffs need a scapegoat and contemporary social mores have effectively (thankfully) reclaimed the majority of their beloved, xenophobic targets-- but just because someone is "white" doesn't mean garden variety hateful nonsense gets off the hook. one might say here, "but dan, it's just a horror movie!"... yes. but this is a remake of a romero horror movie. and that guy put a lot of thought and effort into dismantling this kind of bullshit. so, whereas, i'm fine with not feeling the need to follow in his footsteps with "identity politics," the least you can do is spare us the trailer-trash yokels and thug-baby-daddy-gone-straight nonsense.
6. evil babies that aren't meant to be hilarious.
7. nu-metal (teach me how to type "ooom-lats" (sp???) and i'll be yer best friend), and ironic usage of acoustic music.
8. ambiguity between horror/comedy, unless you've got the smarts to back it up. stupid horror movies should know the difference between texas chainsaw 1 & 2.
9. noble animals of all varieties. dawn of the dead is not lassie.
10. if your cast is largely non-famous, don't hire actors that are kinda-sorta famous. we'll spend half the movie distracting ourselves with epiphanies like "hey! that's max headroom!!!"
ho hum... i was so excited too... ed, you are 100% right. sigh...
i really wanted to like you. i admired you for casting sarah polley in the title role. i was even prepared to put aside my indifference toward ving rhames, thinking his on-screen persona was fitting enough to fill the shoes of the great ken foree. and i even loved your first fifteen minutes (like everyone said i would)-- where you got right into it with good pacing and unbridled mayhem and a stylish usage of johnny cash.
but from there on out, you are hot fucking garbage. pure and simple.
here i must confess that the original dawn of the dead is one of my all time, stranded-on-a-desert-island, favorite FAVORITE movies. like, top-five-ever level favorites. but no, i didn't expect the uncanny humor of the original-- in which a shopping mall becomes a claustrophobic anti-paradise for the folks at the end of the world. i wasn't expecting the many nuanced, brilliant surprises in its handling of race, gender and social formation. i wasn't expecting the same visceral celebration/condemnation of lawlessness and anarcho-freedom. that was then, this is now. and even if the new version "went there," it'd probably bludgeon us with a bunch of empty rhetoric. let the classic stay the classic. but what i did want from the remake, frankly, was a decent horror movie. and you fucked it up.
some things i never want to see in a horror movie ever again:
1. blair witch-style camcorder garnishing. the shit ain't novel anymore, and it sure as hell isn't scary.
2. wisecracking character actors, unless they're really funny. if you're not joss whedon, do your fucking homework before you whip out your lame ass robert downey jr. impersonation already. sheesh.
3. "fat people are scary" chic
4. "wb" teen-series actors with handlebar moustaches that are supposed to be "white trash." and while we're at it:
5. "white trash" stereotypes... look, i know unimaginative horror buffs need a scapegoat and contemporary social mores have effectively (thankfully) reclaimed the majority of their beloved, xenophobic targets-- but just because someone is "white" doesn't mean garden variety hateful nonsense gets off the hook. one might say here, "but dan, it's just a horror movie!"... yes. but this is a remake of a romero horror movie. and that guy put a lot of thought and effort into dismantling this kind of bullshit. so, whereas, i'm fine with not feeling the need to follow in his footsteps with "identity politics," the least you can do is spare us the trailer-trash yokels and thug-baby-daddy-gone-straight nonsense.
6. evil babies that aren't meant to be hilarious.
7. nu-metal (teach me how to type "ooom-lats" (sp???) and i'll be yer best friend), and ironic usage of acoustic music.
8. ambiguity between horror/comedy, unless you've got the smarts to back it up. stupid horror movies should know the difference between texas chainsaw 1 & 2.
9. noble animals of all varieties. dawn of the dead is not lassie.
10. if your cast is largely non-famous, don't hire actors that are kinda-sorta famous. we'll spend half the movie distracting ourselves with epiphanies like "hey! that's max headroom!!!"
ho hum... i was so excited too... ed, you are 100% right. sigh...
